She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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