well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
