Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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