Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
