it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
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You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
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Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
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