So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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