I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
