New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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