Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
