True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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