i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
