just tell him i said nine months
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
