Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
