I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
