Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
