Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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