It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
