i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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