i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Randomize
