I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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