apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
