I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
A bitchslap is in order.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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