Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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