ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
