party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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