can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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