put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
