I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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