yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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