Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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