Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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