I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
