My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
