i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
