So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
