i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
