My underwear smells like fireworks.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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