U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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