I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Randomize
