just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
