yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
