well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
