Can i not drive my cunt home
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
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