then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
