i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
