walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
