Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
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On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
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I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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