you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
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