FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
