Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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