i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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