I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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