Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
