Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I believe in your delicious
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
