I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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