Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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