Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
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fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
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Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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