Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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