at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
