Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
