How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
