I bet he comes in French.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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