Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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