May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
